Tuesday 15 July 2014

Dear Jehovah: Who are You?

Dear Jehovah
I have been doing a lot of thinking lately (or should I say feeling). I got many questions for you Jehovah.

I know you have provided answers for us in that book they call the Bible but truth be told; they at times not quite enough. I cannot do much feeling like this. Inadequate. I have done every possible thing there is to address how I feel but it seems as though it is not yet enough. I get to be like this every time the hard core questions to life come to mind and swam onto me like bees to a thief. One very often asked question has to do directly with you-a number of them actually.

Who are you?
Well, this is perhaps the most useful and also the most hopeless of questions I being me can ever ask you. Why? Well, because it is both a believers’ power against disbelief in your right to rule not just the universe but also and very much his mind. Or his belief thereof…
The question of “who are you” is best left alone. But for my indulgence and mine alone; you God are Jehovah, the only true creator and master of the universe. You are He who we should address praises for the creations on the earth and the universe itself (Math 6:9). It once quite easy for me to leave the question at that but then, as you well know; as we men grow we tend to do one of the following; leave the question, ask and get the answer, expand the answer( mostly for self-glory). I happened to be one of those who liked asking questions, getting the answer and expand upon it-mostly because it feels good to me. True to this preference ( I dare not say nature) I found myself asking the question: Besides the Biblical answers to this question-believe you me they are the most valuable answers-who is Jehovah?
I would very much love to gloat and say I found the answer but verily I did not.
Instead of answers to this billion dollar question-literally- I got myself confronted by a horde of quite devilish questions I found myself not quite ready if not unwilling to answer. Is Jehovah a psychological invention of both the primarily single God worshiping Egyptians and Jews of old? Is he a desert peoples' answer to a need to address  a need for a person powerful enough to enable them the strength to found a homeland and protect them from forces sure enough in their power and ability to wipe them off the face of the Earth? Better still, is he modern man’s so called powerful alien being who happened to decide to plant a colony of feeble intelligence and leave it to grow as an unattended experiment and then prove itself worthy enough to join the rest of universal civilization and intelligence very much alive out there in the universe?

I do not see any of the above questions of much interest to a true Christian. They can actually prove destructive but are they meant never to be asked?
Did the Devil plant them into this my brain and hoped they would be blasphemous enough for you to forsake me as you did Israel and therefore leave me to die and perish as he himself is meant to? I do not know the answer to this but I do conclude that it is a question very much tormenting the minds of those who wish and are willing to serve no other Master of the Universe but you.
As for me; I do believe you are out there…I have verily seen you work in my short life. Not in miracles off course but right in my heart, in my family and very much so in my congregation and the world as is. I have faced famine, eviction, hopelessness, some grief and mortal danger: all this only to find you mercifully pulling me through at the other side. I am looking forward to a world where you will rule directly and let me live the life you intended our father and mother Adam and Eve to live the day you declared all creations perfect. I am not sure of my faith and abilities but should I so be found indeed fit, I will verily enjoy the New World.

I hope I do.        

Monday 7 July 2014

Without you

I try to sleep Without your hand I try to close these mine eyes Without your lips Carasing my heart Without your beat Beating Calming this my soul; Helping me Bringing me bliss, Singing softy, Ever so softly Tenderly; Ever so tenderly. I try to dream you, I imagine you; Envision you But soon run out of stregnth God! Finding someone like you is futile You are every thing to me Your love is my drug Your smile my eleaxer And your hand my life. Should you decide to Leave I’ll die.

Saturday 5 July 2014

The other

My palms are sweaty

I feel as if I am swimming

I’m drowning

Every thing’s all over

I can’t feel anything…

Damn him, he’s coming

Doesn’t he ever get it;

I hate him,

He is filth

Nothing

Never to be anything any where

Any how

Damn him!

My breath is deep within,

My eyes,

If I still have any,

Are fixed

My head’s swimming

I’m suffocating

Here he comes.

God; will he ever tire

I do not feel

Never will

Oh God!

She’s waiting,

Must I go to her

What am I to say

Oh how I wish I hadn’t

It’s all too much!

Look at him

He is standing there

Mouth gaping

Wild eyed

Filth!

My throat

It is tired; dry!

Painfully embarrassing!

God!

I rue the day I was born

Love!

Speak

You wasting my time

Damn him!

What am I to do now;

Must I be the one who speaks

“I… I love you”

“So what if you do!”

“I don’t know”

“Typical!”

“What made you come anyway”

“Love”

“ Love.”

“I despise that word

Especially if it is from

Somebody who’s a nobody like you.”

“Well I despise such words

From a women

We expect love and respect

Even if you do hate me

Respect me!

It’s not much to ask.”

“Look at you

You are hardly worth twenty cents

You stink, you don’t bath

Yet you profess love to me”

“At least I am being sincere

I hide not behind them fancy

Fancy clothes

Nor do I hide my eyes

You can see them

You see me for who I am.”

As if I care what he thinks,

Even if I did love him a little

How am I to present such

A thing to mother:

My father and his cattle!

You are considering

I know you are

You can’t hide such from me.

Look at him

He’s now a shrink.

Who gave him that much bravery

I wish he just fall down and die.

I am baffled

What am I to say.

She is looking at me.

Her eyes

They are too much

Beautiful

But full of hate

Hate mingled with fear

A spark of love

I hate myself

I am trying my best

Rather it be this way.

He’s somehow charming

No! Stop that you doing

Love or no love he’s charming

Lovable!

Love!

Yes my sweet heart

Did you not see it at first;

That your precious heart is mine

Mine to love to love cherish and to hold

Protect honor and nourish

Did you not see that it can overcome

That your minding

I am wining

No I am getting lovable

Oh the word.

I wish I wasn’t here.

Mother is going to kill me,

No, hang me by the toe.

This is filth

Lovable, irresistible, persistent, brave filth:

A man I could I could love.

“Yes I can see that

You love me but

You despise that which

I am

What difference does that make

Am I not a man!

Yes, is he not a man

Why should I care what my parents say:

To hell with friends

They…

“friends can’t give you what I can

If… dare not say

But love is better than that which money

Might offer

For it remedies wounds.

Money can only make life a bit bearable,

That is all it can do”

He is a man!

He is Gold and he is right.

A man like this is hard to find

I am Connered.

Such words I have never encountered.

Such character I have never seen.

A brave kind of filth,

Speaking right into my heart:

Not my clothing,

Not my body.

No

But to my heart, my fragile hopeless and pride but broken wreck of a heart.

Building it as he speaks

Feeling me without touch

He sees me

And I him.

I am confused.

She is out of her shell.

She better remember how to breath

I love her eyes

I hope the hope I see in her is mine.

Ours.

My heart,

It is pounding

I am sweaty

My heart is softening

My body is betraying me

I am sweating all over

What am I to do

I hate this man

Why must I love him

Why must he love me

He is filth

He is nothing

Look at him!

Boy am I in for a treat.

This is beautiful, lovely

I must have been in for this a long time ago;

She loves me!

Stupid man

Why can you not see the problems

You touched my heart

I love you, you filth

Now move my soul.