www.dearjehovah.wordpress.com

Girls can be such an annoying bunch at times-well if not all the time. The following is a list of some of the things that make them such a bunch, here goes:

·        They all claim to be beautiful

Being not so beautiful, especially facially is one of the human condition’s most cruel occurrences. Yes through the aid of advancements in cosmetic surgery it is now possible to change your features, enhance them if you so wish such that one is able to get more pronounced buttocks, a well proportioned nose, small or big hips or what is ones fancy. Some like the South African singer/artist Mshoza have gone so far that I doubt their own mother and father recognise them anymore. The girl bleached her poor black skin until them poor pigments yielded and the body chased father Cush’s gift out of her system. The end result: a white looking who seems out of place in her own body...Oh and she seems unable to divorce her makeup artists and their kits.

Mshoza, I liked you better when you had the pigment father Cush gave us. I know you are not alone, as such I will go on and not leave out the little female-and maybe male- Mshozas out there. Your Kekesies and all them horrible bleachy face creams will not help make you any more beautiful than you either tell yourselves and feel.

 Rather stick to working at that well conditioned, cool apartment store down the corner...All will be well; you will get a good well balanced complexion that does not just end with the face and front of ear but actually goes down all over that good looking body of yours to cover not only them legs but those toy-toying toes of yours crowning the feet.

Oh and if you think you beautiful, why is it then that you seem never to cease crowding all those beauty boutiques and shops crowding the suburbs? And why do you like the beauty magazines so much.

One last question; why is it that 80% of those who suffer bulimia and its cousin psychological challenges are you, skinny otherwise beautiful girls who happen to think their mirror is playing tricks on them?

Beauty is what you think and how you feel about yourself. To feel beautiful or even to have it not matter you ought to cultivate your talents. Learn new skills and be so good that you can even earn money from them. I would like a girl who’s got all the right moves and can apply them in all the right places but things like a good education, good driving skills and well learnt and applied money moves are far more sexier than all them skinny jeans and sexy thighs put together.

·        We no longer know their hair

One of my personal major turn offs is the wick. The fake hair women of this day and age seem so determined to wear, adapt, restyle and develop and wear again till the Lord comes again. Are we ever to see the African hair: the Afro of yester year in all her glory? And what is wrong with good old blue Afrikaner girl eyes complimented by blond straight if not ashen hair? Black or white we all cry for one  thing these days: bring back the all natural African and European hair, we love the thrill it gives us when you let us play around with it...Pull it and all. You can never hope to fool around with a lady friend’s wick, let alone pull it. Never!

Oh one more thing, these wicks stink man, I would rather have you with no hair at all than these things.

If we love you with your PMPS, what then is to stop us loving you without those wicks and extensions?

·        The hugs

Ok, we all like hugs. They are nice, they remind us that we are human, we are also lovable and we also have that squishy warm fuzzy feeling that comes with hugs. But too much of a thing is dangerous and hugs are no exception.

You girls love hugging; a guy is happy, you give him a hug, a guy is sad; you give a hug, he is angry and out of touch you offer a hug, he meets another guy; you expect ‘em to hug...Enough of them already.

A good hug once a while is good enough but you can’t go around hugging me all them and all over the place. And please do not:

-Hug me when I am angry at someone (especially you). I want you near me, yes, but not that near. I do not want to hurt you.

-Hug me when I am hungry. A good ‘hallow sweety, how was work?’ is fine but a plate of good home cooked meal is much better than anything else.

-Hug me after the deed. A hug after sex is very confusing to some if not all of us. Are you saying thank you for the great session or are saying that you love me but my sex performance is so bad that you see it fit to comfort me instead of hating for wasting your time and soiling your well preserved cooky jar?

-Hug your boy if not pastor friend breast and all touching with me around. I do not want to be arrested for murder but I will if you so disrespect me this way. Stand very much far away, extend your hand and shake pastor friend hands if he so insist on body contact. Do this and we will avoid all things bloody and gruesome my dear love.

-Hug without breasts pads. No offence intended but if you are the hugging type and you are pregnant please be sure NOT to forget your breast pads. I am not the father of the baby; you need not punish me for another devil’s sins!

·        The ‘Devil at the counter’ ladies. We know getting work affords you confidence and we know that one who works with a lot of people cannot afford not being assertive but please do use it all the time. Some of us really do not deserve the hate you give us. Go on doing this and I will ask for your manager, do not blame me.

·        The makeup.

We all love a good make up (even boys I hear) but what is up with this tipoko (ghosts) we so frequently have to confront on a daily bases this days? Girls apply so much mud on their poor faces that they cannot even afford the mistake of smiling. You greet the poor face and it just looks at you-as if it just got itself a botox injection. The heart is screaming ‘Hi’ and every other compliment that comes with the word but poor girl cannot afford to carless express herself for should she ever be so bold her mud will fall away from the face she so laboriously enhanced for you.  You don’t want the results of that on your conscious.

·        The skinny jeans

Ahhh! All hail the devil of all devils who gave us such a treat. There is nothing like a confident well mannered lady in them skinny jeans and a pair of nice red little numbers for shoes. Oh dear. There is definitely something amiss with a woman in skinny jeans on stilettos: they change them. Some ugly duckling on average, every day shoe suddenly blossom into this beautiful, attractive, assertive, confident, sexy women you cannot help but yield your will to.

As is in all things, unfortunately, there are some females who simply wear this blessing all wrong and spoil the whole thing-for everyone.

You see, most skinny jeans are low cut designee trousers on the other hand; most African girls are quite well endowed when it comes to shape and curves at the right places. Unfortunately the above mentioned two gifts sometimes just do not mix well. Poor sisters love them skinny jeans so much that they at times do not seem to consider their ‘reverse gift’ when wearing them. So long as the front is covered, what is at the rear can peep over the belt and see the world all it likes. Oh the things we see!

Oh and to them white girls: please be sure your skinny jeans hug your ‘door like back side’ before you dare leave the mirror and go out the door. We love your legs but some of us man are not so sure we will not pity trouser when they try to hold on for dear life all day long-especially when you climbing up to somewhere.

Your dress or skirt is a safe bet, it is modest (well some of them), fashionable and timeless in nature. No lady friend can ever go wrong with those. Use them: you are the only creature on earth built well enough to rock ‘em hands down.

·        Show off str*+_+ch marks.

Eghmm! Ladys, these story lines are sexy but not all the time. Please be sure to wear under coats sexy enough to cover them and enhance your over all outfit all at once. Oh and do not worry, you can rock them up when we in bed or just playing round somewhere romantic: they are a huge turn on there my love. So long as you allow me to play with them.

·        They all want to be skinny.

 Go all ‘skinny diety’ on my watch you will see wonders. I will sabotage the whole thing. Feed you in your sleep if I have to! I do not want you falling sick and dying on me all because you felt I like those skinny models you envy in the magazines. We like variety, good old African/traditional built Afrikaner, Indian or mulato with a good head on her shoulders turns most of us on just fine. And we are not afraid we may break any bone here. I hear some like holding on to something during the deed-what this is I do not know. Keep your body, we love it!

I really never meant any offence, but yeah, these habits really tick me off at times. For more advice on how to dress well, please consult your mother. Otherwise feel free to let magazines like Cosmopolitan tempt you into doing all those things your mommy did your age but would never want you to know about. Here’s a link www.cosmopolitan.com . Go torture your greedy heart; enjoy!